Cautious optimisim

Last Friday was a low point. We were all so heartbroken, and were whisked away to the magic land of central New Hampshire for revitalization. This week has been by far the best week we've had yet. I've been enjoying the heck out of all three kids, really getting into hanging out with them.

I called Jill's school today. She's going to an alternative high school where they work half days in the classroom and then can work independently at home using an online curriculum. I have to say, I'm kind of impressed. The staff person I talked to today said all the right things. They have a high graduation rate, a caring staff, and are used to working with kids who are emotional and have issues with authority. Apparently all the staff really like Jill. She mentioned today that staff that she's never talked to have stopped her in the halls to ask how she's doing. It's encouraging to me to hear her talk about wanting to be a studious person again. Before things went sour for them, she was a straight-A student and loved school. I'm starting to see that come about again. We've been talking about trying to set up some college visits in the Spring.

And she told me with great pride that she got 100% on the history test she took the other day. Apparently my hour-long synopsis of the Civil War was a great help to her in taking that test.

Grace's school is also giving me reason to be optimistic. In a school district beleaguered by massive budget cuts and endless stories about how horrible the outlook is for everyone, they seem to have a Special Education director who is earning her paycheck (and a few other people's paychecks, truth be told). Tonight Grace sat down and actually did her homework. She complained the whole time, but it's done and ready to be handed in.

Grace's story from last school year is especially bad. She has an IEP (Individualized Education Plan) that calls for emotional support in the classroom as well as remedial work in core subjects. She's clearly intelligent enough, but she's been moved so many times that her special education services have been severely disrupted. Her reading level is at least 4 grade levels behind right now. Last year, when going to The School From Hell (TSFH for short), she was inexplicably placed in a classroom that is designed for students who are not likely to ever be able to be gainfully employed because of their mental and emotional disabilities.

This has only added to her already pretty significant trauma around school and institutions. She is convinced that she's stupid, and that she's good for  nothing but getting on welfare and SSI. Though her school is being supportive, they were not able to count any credits from last year since her classes consisted of things like "wear clean clothes". She basically spent a year languishing in this crappy classroom. Now she's re-entering school as a freshman, which is always demoralizing.

At TSFH, the staff often provoked or otherwise exacerbated her attitude. There was a lot of yelling and belligerency, but it seems that is not the culture at her new school. TSFH was also over an hour away, and the new one is all of 4 blocks. These things all add up to a significant improvement.

This week has been awesome, but I am sort of bracing myself for the inevitable blow up. Eventually they will both be fed up, too tired to get up, pissed about some element of the program or otherwise unwilling to go to school/do homework, etc. I hope that Leonard and I can keep our cool and weather the storm.

The other thing causing me some cautious optimism is the renewed buy-in that they seem to have with us. After court on Friday I was worried that they would explode on us, but it seems the road trip did some great therapeutic work there. I can't wait for us to be able to buy a car so we can take these road trips whenever we need to. There are so many places we want to take them, and so man places they want to go.

All of us are pretty excited about the home improvement projects that are finally underway. To get the bikes out of the house and improve the counter space/layout of the kitchen will be like dreams come true. And next summer- bbq on the deck!

Right now we're on an upswing. I hope and pray and want it to last as long as possible.

First day of school

It is with great trepidation that we sent the girls off to the first day of school today. They are both starting new schools, which is always a scary thing, and they're both facing some big hurdles.

We left Philly on Friday immediately after court on Friday, and that may have been the best thing for all of us.  We went to a dear friend's wedding in the rolling green hills of New Hampshire where we were surrounded by happy, healthy, supportive people in a really gorgeous environment.  I half expected the girls to spend the whole time on their phones and laptop bu i was pleasantly surprised to look out the window Saturday morning and see them playing Risk with a friend of mine and a cherubic 7 year old. They even seemed to be having fun, and have started knitting and crocheting lessons with me. Grace astutely figured out that if she knits in class, she may have an easier time following what the teacher is saying. I'm hopeful that I can convince her teacher of that.

Grace was hyper on the way up. This was overheard going towards the tappan zee bridge:
G: daym! Look at that jint!
    Oh, nooooo... I don't like this bridge. It's too close to the water.
.

There was a lot of fun had, including board games, swimming in the river, petting a donklet and dancing to accordion music in a barn. They even stayed in a tent for the first time!

We all talked on the way home about revising the allowance structure. Currently there is a set maximum, which is pretty low, and they lose money if they don't accomplish certain tasks. The structure we're proposing has a pretty low base minimum, and then they add to that by performing certain tasks.  The way we envision it, if they make it to school everyday and do their chores, they'll be able to make about twice as much weekly as they do now. We're going to all think on it, decide what things we want to see worked in as incentives, and try to solidify the structure this week.

We all had a blast with the developmental leap that Ziggy made over the weekend as well. He is now clearly asking for things he wants (apples, water, nursing) rather than just pointing and yelling. In the car both ways he had so much fun hanging out with the girls, playing with them, giggling and them and enjoying himself. We joke about getting him registered as a therapy baby. He earned his keep for sure.

Apparently the Philadelphia School District put Grace into a regular classroom today instead of in the self-contained room that she has been in since 3rd grade. And so the endless battling for a decent education begins…

Last night we saw a major breakthrough with Grace. On her way down into the basement she knocked over a bag of powdered cleaning agent that was on the stairs. This was at around 10 the night before the first day of school after we had spent the day in the car travelling. No one was happy about it. But she picked up the broom, and then the shop vac, and she gamely tried to clean it up. Leonard came down and helped her, and it was mostly taken care of in about 30 minutes. This might seem like nothing too exciting, but the Grace we had in the house 3 months ago would have immediately started cursing and yelling as soon as anyone said anything to her about it. She would have stormed off, not only not helping, but stressing out as many people as she could in the process.

It’s the little victories you learn to celebrate.

Fostering Facts #2

Fostering Facts #2

What to expect

Much like starting your own biological family, you are never really ready to be a foster parent. Each kid is different. Each situation is different. You can’t just say “oh, I have 3 rooms, I’ll take 3 kids”. They might not like each other. One of them might need more care and attention than you expected. Or they might all be amazing, and willing to step out of their comfort zone and fit in with your family seamlessly. They might love the food you eat or hate it. You might always have to re-negotiate chores, or not. Things that you never considered might come up. Do you like to have a glass of wine with dinner? Well, maybe one of your foster kids comes from an alcoholic home and seeing you sip that wine or smelling alcohol on your breath triggers them. We’ve had to do months of trust building around that with our two girls, modeling for them what a healthy relationship to alcohol looks like.

The biggest job you can do to prepare for being a foster parent is to set up your support network. If you’re taking in younger kids, who do you have that is willing to get clearances so they can babysit? If you’re taking in older kids, who do you know that can point you in the direction of good after school or summer programs to enrich their lives? If you’re taking in kids from a different race/religious background, who do you know who can talk you through what is expected or needed? You will need people to help you in ways you can’t even imagine, even if it’s just being willing to sit with you and let you vent. Sit down and take inventory. Do these people live close by? Do you know anyone with experience with the system? Start asking. You may be surprised to find that you know someone who was in foster care, or adopted, or had a cousin who was. These people will be worth their weight in gold.

Make sure your support network is diverse. You can’t put all your hopes in your Christian church community only to find that the child you’re bringing into your home is, say, a Hindu. That will feel alienating and disarming to the child. Even if you don’t have any Hindu friends, ensuring that your child is meeting people from a variety of backgrounds will help them to feel less alienated, less obviously an "other." Actively seeking help from their home community is also important. If you don’t know ahead of time what their background is, be willing to put in the time in the first week or two to finding out. You will be thanked.

When we got our girls, we abruptly realized we had no hair care stuff AT ALL in the house. I have a hair brush, which essentially the end of my hair care routine. While I was familiar with the hair needs of African American girls, we weren’t prepared for weave care right out of the box. Fortunately my partner’s sister is mixed race and has a daughter. She quickly threw all of their extra creams, gels, sprays, flat irons, blow dryers and combs into a bag and brought it over. With everything else we were trying to coordinate on top of getting to know these two new people, that was a lifesaver (not to mention a money saver).

Day 1

The training process and clearance process is different from state to state. You’ll have to find that out based on where you are. Essentially, you have to be trained (anywhere from 23 to 40 hours), you have to be legally cleared, and you have to be certified. The agency will delve into every aspect of your life. We had to give letters of reference from family, friends and neighbors to back our claim, and we had to give over our financial statements and tax records. Ostensibly this is to cut down on the number of people who are in it just for the money, but I’m not convinced it works.

When you get a chil through regular foster care, you won’t know ahead of time who’s coming. It’s hard to prepare. You have to just be ready to roll with the punches.

When the child is “placed”, that means they have been put into the care of the state. This can be for a variety of reasons, which I will attempt to tackle in a future post.

In Philadelphia, the agencies are on a rotation. On any given day, different agencies are “on rotation”. The agency at the top of the list has an hour to place a child once the state calls them. They frantically start calling down their list of available parents and you have to answer *right then and there*.

If you have specific criteria, stick to your guns. If you’re doing respite, hold out for respite. If you want girls, don’t be convinced to take a boy. If you want younger kids and they offer you someone a few years above your upper limit, say no. The person calling you will try to talk you into it, and they’ll say all kinds of things to appeal to your better nature. Remember, the agency is only paid by the state depending on the number of kids they have. You, however, are the one who has to live with the kid. 

From there you’re just waiting. It could take them a half an hour or four hours, or even eight or ten hours to move the child. There is usually someone from the state who will bring them to your door. They need to make a visual inspection of the home and confirm that the children are being dropped into a safe environment. If you have a dog, be ready to put them out back and introduce them slowly once the initial chaos is over.

Don’t be surprised if the child wants to spend their first day holed up in their room. They are probably some kind of terrified. Offer them food, invite them to come down and watch TV, but don’t pressure them. Don’t try to make them do anything for at least the first 24 hours.

You may never know about their situation before they came to your house. A lot of that is not disclosed to foster parents for obvious reasons unless it looks like the home will become more permanent.

In our training they recommended not giving them house rules all at once. Saying one or two things like “we always take our shoes off at the door” and “don’t feed the dog from the table” are a good starting point. You can slowly fold out your house rules as you get used to each other. Try to get them to share what they want to eat, and do a few things right off to make them feel comfortable. Do they want to add anything to a grocery list? What kind of movies do they like? Do they play a sport?

Be supportive, but be clear about what you want and don’t want. If your house is one that has a lot of home made meals and lots of healthy fruit and vegetables, get them used to the idea that they won’t be eating processed food everyday. But you have to give in as well- negotiate what kinds of foods you’re willing to let them have on hand, and see if there’s anything that they want to eat that they can make themselves. We have figured out how to make corn dogs, water ice and fried chicken at home. It’s not the ideal of health that I would prefer, but it helps the girls feel more comfortable.

Next installment will talk about the longer term expectations.

Fostering Facts #1

Fostering Facts #1                                                                

A lot of people get a glazed over look when I launch on an explanation of what we’re doing, why we’re doing it and who we’re doing it with. I say things like: “The respite provider wasn’t TFC certified so they didn’t know how to de-escalate in a therapeutic way…” and they look at me like I just broke out into song.

I’m going to spend the next few posts explaining foster care. It’s a system that most people are unfamiliar with, many people are intimidated by and a very few understand. I don’t really understand it. But I do have a working knowledge of what’s going on.

This is long. If you just want to read an update about our family, I’ll do that tomorrow. 

The way it works in PA is relatively similar to how it works in the rest of the country. Different states have different names for the processes or procedures, but for the most part it’s all similar.

System-wide management structure

Currently, each state manages their own child welfare system. They may call it Child Protective Services, or Department of Human Services, or Family Services or any number of other similar titles. I'll just call it "The State". This is a state and federally funded agency that is tasked with caring for the children who are identified as being “in the system”. Depending on how well or how poorly your state runs its agencies, your particular agency will work efficiently or not. In our case, we’re in PA so it runs very inefficiently.

Because the day to day management of something like this is time consuming and very costly, that aspect is distributed out to different agencies. Many of these agencies have some religious affiliation. All of them are non-profits. They may be state-wide, they may operate only in a certain geographical area, they may have alliances with agencies in near-by states. They may be well run or poorly run. If you are looking to become a foster parent, it will be up to you to figure out the best agency. It’s best to ask around and find out what experiences other families have had with different agencies.

Role of the Agency

Because these agencies are not run by The State, they get to do whatever they want to within the parameters that the state system sets. These parameters are by necessity kind of loose. The agencies basically need to make sure that the families they certify are a) stable (financially and emotionally) and b) willing and c) haven’t been charged with child endangerment in the past. These guidelines are VERY LOOSE. That is how you get foster families that are really just in it for the money. If your agency is no good, they’re not going to follow up with the families to make sure that what’s going on is in the best interest of the child placed there.

The agencies manage all aspects of the day to day of the child. They will coordinate with the foster family to get school registrations done, medical visits scheduled, getting emotional support or therapeutic services taken care of, etc. As a foster parent, you don’t have the right to change their doctor, change their school or do anything that has a long term effect on the child’s life. The social worker from the agency can, with the express permission of the DHS worker assigned to the case.

Generally you will have this team of people:

Agency social worker

That social worker’s supervisor

Department social worker

That social worker’s supervisor

Therapeutic/psychological services staff

Any of these people need to be able to have access to your child at any time they need it. That means that if you have multiple children who are not on the same “case” (generally those who are not coming from the same home) or if you have children who have higher levels of need, you may have a different worker in your home every day of the week.

Role of the foster family

Your primary responsibility as a foster parent is to keep the children in your care safe. This includes keeping them fed, clothed, in school, going to appointments and keeping them away from dangerous situations. For that purpose, anyone in your house may be subjected to a criminal background check.  In PA that goes by age, so anyone over the age of 14 who will spend more than a cumulative 2 weeks sleeping in your home needs to be checked. That includes State and Federal background checks. The agency should pay for those, and if they don’t, that’s a sign you need to get a different agency.

Medical insurance is paid by the state. In PA, foster children are totally covered at 100%.

Levels of foster care

There are different levels of care. Most children are just “regular” foster care. They may have some issues, and the agency will either have a therapy team on staff or will help you get them into therapy. Anything more than that, and you may be dealing with a “Therapeutic Foster Care” situation. The acronym TFC is used in a lot of states and may have different words attached to them, but basically means the same thing. TFC placement homes require more training and are expected to do more. A child may be TFC for medical reasons or emotional/behavior reasons. It generally means that you have to do considerably more work, and do more one on one work. In PA, they don’t put more than 2 TFC children in a home together, and that’s only if they are siblings or otherwise emotionally connected. It is nearly impossible to be an effective TFC home if all adults are working full time or if you have multiple children in the house.

A very common kind of care is called “Kinship” care. This means that the child has a previous connection to the family. You don’t have to be biologically related, though they do look for a family placement first. In the last 10 years or so there has been a huge push to keep children in their biological families and in their home environments. In the past, many foster situations ended up putting children in homes that were dramatically different than what they were used to, which caused certain kinds of trauma. With kinship, many of the rules get bent. You can have more TFC children in the home if there is kinship. You can have the child placed before you finish your training in kinship care. The rules about what kinds of sleeping arrangements are needed can be waived or bent for kinship care. That is up to each state, and can even be different from worker to worker.

A respite care provider is actually (in my opinion) a great place to start on the foster care journey. Respite providers have homes available for foster children while their foster families go on vacation or just need a break. It can be tricky bringing children out of state, so respite providers are like pure gold. It is also a great way for new foster families to give it a whirl because you can work out some of the kinks, like chore expectations, travel coordination, socializing the rest of your family, etc. It can also be fun because if you have a kid for the weekend, you get a chance to spoil them a little bit. Take ‘em to the zoo. Go get their hair done. It’s all good. As a respite provider, you still get paid the daily rate for their care.

Next installment will talk more about what you as a foster parent can expect right off the bat.